This is what a group of men look like giving birth to a new sewing machine. Flywheels, pullies, belts, wrenches, pliers and gears. Skinned knuckles, foreign vocabulary, metric conversions and olfactory resonance. By comparison, one longs for the simplicity of biology, but we got this puppy working. That’s more than you can say for most contraptions that came out of Wisconsin in 1936.
Do things change with time? Y’day I dropped in at the Octopus. I had spilled a little ink on my trousers at work and my hands were still dusty when I noticed a 30-something lady sitting by herself. Are women any smarter or more perceptive that in my day? I decided to test this one, could she see beyond my working class appearance? Is it possible for a modern, contemporary and sensitive woman to see past my outer look? To discover if I am worth talking to? The answer is no.This was offset by several pieces of potential good news. Foremost are the toothpicks. For those who just pulled into town, I created a display of one million toothpicks. They bought the car I am driving and I have (already in my life) made the proverbial ten thousand dollars a show, so don’t sneeze when I tell you some corporation as sent two agents to talk about purchasing the display. I have no details yet but I do have a minimum price fixed in my brain. Plus royalties, of course, because somebody has to pay the taxes. (In the end, the buyer was Ripley's and they offered peanuts.)
Next, the puzzle. It has passed the kid test and I’ve researched the name “Yoiks!”. There is an old Porky Pig or Elmer Fudd cartoon that uses the phrase “Yoiks and away”, but I was completely unaware of that, unless you can find proof that I ever watched television way back when. My market studies show that there are 55,000 publications that do not have any type of puzzle, usually due to the expense of including one. It ranges from difficult to impossible to get a straight answer out of anyone, but I believe the basic puzzles (crossword, sudoku, jumble and wordfind) seem to cost a base price of $5 each per publication.
[Author's note: the term "Yoiks!" as I arrived at it has nothing to do with copying anybody, rather because the appearance of the clues is reminiscient of the Finnish language, or more precisely, what little I know of that language. Yoikers are people who sing old Finnish songs. And a slang term for "Noo Yoikers". I'm considering inventing a new word.]
This puts the puzzles out of range for smaller papers, of which I can think of several. What I could not find was any regulations about the inclusion of puzzles. For example, do those who publish a crossword agree not to publish any “non-union” puzzles on the same page? Again, I find a very tight-lipped community who won’t say anything until they “know who you are”. I’m reminded of the time my partner, Rusty, went to the town hall to get some free public documents. They wouldn’t hand them over until he explained who he was and why he wanted them.
If I had my way, I’d charge a flat $1 per puzzle. You buy it outright with the agreement to publish it once, no matter how many copies you make. Testing my software shows I can churn out 360 puzzles per hour. I can (but probably would not) include custom words upon request, but I could (if it was wanted) make your puzzle unique to your newspaper. I’m still in the formative stages so everything here is speculation, not to be relied upon.
Of course, Theresa up in Camp Wilmie gets first dibs on all this. But I’m about to contact a few of my people to see if I can generate a little startup capital. Theresa and I need computers, photocopiers and general office consumables. What was the name of that local paper who liked my bicycle tour guide. The one where I pointed out the bicycle paths that went nowhere, and I was about to list the top ten bicycle obstacle courses. Like the sidewalk outside Publix on Young Circle, where there are 35 lamp standards, signs, parking meters and hydrants in a 100 foot stretch.
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