June 27, 2013

           Hello from the Lani Kai in Ft. Meyers Beach. It’s the same old, JZ didn’t want to get out of town, too busy etc. I think he at first said he wanted to sign some documents. But once we got on the road, he won’t go back. You might not see this post for a while, since the Lani Kai is not in any way similar to its counter part in Hawaii where I stayed a good thirty years ago. Take that anyway you want, but include the women here are much chunkier today, and there is no Internet service. It makes sense when you think it over.

           We left Miami four hours late, which is no surprise, and drove west on Tamiami Trail, stopping at the ranger station. JZ and the ranger lady recognized each other, a complete wow to me. She actually knew us both but I had no recollection of this lady. She took an instant shine to JZ but he got fussy, in fact, rather fussy. Yes, he likes them all but he is sure starting to act like me.
           Despite our plan to do Naples, we reprogrammed the GPS to avoid the freeway and followed a lengthy roundabout via Bonita Beach, then Ft. Meyers Beach, which is not the same as Ft. Meyers. Pulling through town we saw fifteen good looking women in the streets, something you NEVER see in Miami. You know, just ordinary gals going about their chores. We drove another five minutes and doubled back, and that’s where the Lani Kai comes in. JZ and I are completely different critters, it is a wonder how we ever get along.
           Before continuing on the main path, we followed a beach road to find a parking spot in Naples that led to a beautiful Gulf beach, complete with pier. We trekked all the way to the pier. I gave up and sat down as he walked to the far end. I hate giving up. This shallow water is expected the sheltered west coast and the piers are very long.
           We hit a Florida downpour so bad we could not get over 15 mph even after replacing the wiper blades. At a roadside Target, we found a health-food deli the likes of which could never exist in Miami. Read that to mean an unprotected pickle counter with tables. In Dade, fifteen third world types would start living there, stealing the tables for scrap metal and using up a pound of condiments for every ounce paid for. If you think I am racist, you have not gone and looked at the facts for yourself. There is no "race" of third world types, only a distinct behavior.
                      "Extreme Alligator Watching In Florida". Sure, we wound up partying and chasing women, but I insisted we stop at all the neat places along the way. We saw everything, including this alligator viewing point where tourists could stand right up close to a railing and see first hand how Nature organizes itself regarding natural selection. (Here is a picture of a tourist at the railing.)
           Predictably, JZ now wants to buy a place and stay here. Let me explain how that came about from a guy that was reluctant to even leave town for the last three weeks. I’ll say it again, we are a team. In a zillion years I will never convince my pal that meeting women is not the obstacle I face. He requires frequent reminders.
           So I brought [over the next several hours] seven women over to the table to let him take his pick. Without going into detail, he managed to talk each of them, one by one, out of going up to room 407 for a nightcap. There is a certain element of “duh” to any man who thinks I can’t pick up women by the boatload. What I can’t find is a good one. Since we are on a vacation here, I felt compelled to point that out.

           I eventually turned in early and let the kids party till two in the morning. We did arrive late in the day but it was an otherwise quiet Thursday. We started the evening with a cold beer in the lounge with a band called “Free Spirit”. See JZ, that’s the kind of band we’d have today if you’d listened to me in 2006.
           Tell you what. Here’s the line I used to bring the women to the table. I don’t normally reveal secrets but here’s the difference between myself and my brothers who buy those books of pickup lines and memorize them. Yes, I do use lines, but with the major, major difference is that mine are original and often could only have been invented on the spot. I got up on the counter, pointed to JZ and roared, “Ladies, meet the best looking millionaire in this place. Oh, I know there’s lots of them here tonight, but this guy is the best-looking one.”
           Worked like a charm. What? Well, it is not lying because only a complete moron would think there were any rich people staying at the Lani Kai. But no Karaoke. It is one of those strange towns that only have it Sunday through Tuesday. Figure that one out. We also stopped at a redneck biker bar and played Johnny Cash on the juke box. Cultural pursuits? None, there aren’t any. This is Florida.
           Here is the lady at the ranger station.