June 15, 2013

           This is a statue outside the south entrance to the Aventura Mall. Children on the back of an alligator. That will give you a clear idea of the brain power of your average Floridian. Mind you, I know of a few adults who I would like to see take this little ride. One way deep into the Everglades.

           Off to the movies, a dying art form. The people that say these things say in the future, movies will run to a limited audience willing to pay $100 per ticket. Given the studios diminished capacity to do anything but rehash their former glories, I would not be surprised. It’s been covered here, how no new monsters in 40 years (possible exception “Alien”) and the watering-down of scripts. Today’s example tells the tale. I went to see Star Trek Into Darkness. Catchy title.
           But the plot? Have you ever wondered what happened to all the hack writers after Stallone got out of the business? There are a few scenes of computer-generated dizziness but the rest of the plot typifies the made-for-masses formula that creates nothing. The best the producers can do is take outdated characters and infuse them with this generation’s pet problems.
           The Spock is having an affair and getting in touch with his feelings. There is the standard trip to the disco bar. Loose-cannon Kirk now outright defies orders, to get demoted, one supposes, so he can return as savior. It just wouldn’t be a Rambo movie without that touch. What? Sorry, I should have seen that coming. Well, anyway, the female lead is short, clearly in her thirties, too big-bottomed with dyed hair and foundation garments. I’m surprised they left out the tattoo. Star Fleet Command has been moved to London.
           At movie’s end, brace yourselves, trekkies, the motto has been changed. It now says “To Go Where No One Has Gone Before”. One? Since it was changed from “Man” to “One”, we must conclude the former wording was guilty of some grave omission. We’d best take a close look at the situation because we don’t anyone important left out. We’re not looking for 50/50, rather just a condition where “Man” was distorting historical fact.
           The emphasis is on exploring new worlds. What are the ingredients of people who take on something new and oft-times dangerous? First, we eliminate all the married people. Because we don’t want anybody chickening out by saying they have a family to feed. Picking only single people still leaves the likes of Columbus, Magellan, and Armstrong. What do they have in common? Once we figure that out, we’ll be on our way to identifying the prerequisites of becoming a famous explorer.
           Let’s see, Columbus had his Isabella . . . . aha, I got it! All we need do is find a sizeable contingent of older, unmarried, women who have oodles and oodles of somebody else’s money. As luck would have it, this is Florida. The definition of equality says having these resources is enough to spur anyone on to greatness. All we need do is look up the accomplishments of this group and list their discoveries. What could be simpler?
           Changing the subject, bingo was enough to let me brag a little, so I stopped in at Karaoke again after the show. It was a place that has very few of my tunes, so I did my second rendition of “Oh, Lonesome Me” a capella. I almost didn’t believe it myself. I think I may be on to something with this arrangement. Let me describe precisely how it works

           I get up there, it is my turn. The DJ does not have that song. Normally it moves on to something he does have. But I announce I’ll sing the song if everybody else will. That solicits a wee howl, so I continue. There I am, conspicuously singing something without the music and without the on-screen lyrics. There’s more, but that’s enough. This is not usual Karaoke fare. Not for a guy who three years ago could not sing a note. To my detractors, because I know you don’t see it often enough to recognize it on sight, this is what is known as “progress”.
           Last, here is the American-made model of my $8 butane torch. This is why Walmart does 30% of the business in this country. The US model costs seven times as much to do the same job. And to buy it, they want your home address on file and some idiotic service contract because they will not just replace it if it’s a dud. Fifty bucks for something China can retail for $8 without conning you. The US isn’t going to the dogs, it is already there.
           Trivia. The newspapers announced that non-white births in the US finally exceeded the whites. What’s to become of us now? I regret I won’t live to set foot on Mars.

ADDENDUM
           Let me tell you about one of my pet peeves and one of the greatest concepts of pure ignorance ever cooked up for the American market. Valet parking. Yes, we’ve talked about this before, but Aventura Mall has taken it to the next level. The only thing worse than valet parking is the azzholes that do it by blocking the front door. Pull up five seconds too late at this mall, and there is no place else left to park.

           Why? There is no free parking left near the door. Because the valet shit heads have taken their stupid little tape measure and ribbons and sectioned off the area nearest the escalators. It’s not enough for them to waddle around looking like a troop of chimpanzees, now they’re going to make it as inconvenient as possible for you not to pay them.
           Follow the chimpanzee logic. If somebody else is parking your car, who cares if it is at the other end of the parking lot? There used to be a stretch when one movie emptied out and the next began. You could idle a few seconds until a car pulled out. But this next generation does not want to work or invent anything. They can only conjure up ways to nickel and dime us like the ferrets they are.
           In my time, we didn’t give the losers a uniform, they got real jobs washing dishes. Shown here is the chimp group, top picture far left. See the empty spots near the door. The other photo shows my red scooter parking a block away dead center. The gouge works like this. If you show up less than five minutes early with your prepaid movie tickets, all the convenient parking is roped off. It’s either pay the graft or miss part of your movie because you had to park more than five minutes away.
           Rip-off, Aventura. Ess, see, aye, em. Scam. Gambling casino grade scam. Shame on you. Parking is supposed to be a free service, a convenience, no another angle to gyp your customers. I don't know what the "service" costs, but I saw the Visa machine.