Okay, what is it? There are only six in existence and this one is going on the auction block in Dallas. It is expected to bring as much as $28,000. Give up? It is the innards of an energizer bunny, voted 5th top advertising icon of the last century. Believe it or not, it was the ancient condition of the 1989 robotics parts that caught my attention as I flipped through some on-line archives. See, I’m learning after all.
The good news is the new band called back. I was a mite worried, since it is too early to tell if I stepped on any toes, particularly the guitar player. He shows no sign of gitaritis, but be wary. Here’s what to watch for, here are the early symptoms.A. Can’t really hear any instrument parts except the guitar.
B. Morbid obsession with who wrote the song.
C. Thinks jazz chords can hide the fact he can’t play the rhythm.
D. Dislikes all and any music that he cannot play well.
Trust me, this new guy is nothing compared to the riff-raff I’ve met on the local circuit. I’ve seen few indications of any ego problems. For most guitarists, playing on the same stage with me can be “a difficult transition”. And I plan to do the same to vocalists.
So, what do I do when I’m faced with learning a “guitar bass line”, a bass line that was obviously written by a guitarist without a clue about real bass playing? First, I check to see if there is a bass tab. These are one of the unknown blessings of the Internet. I suggest checking first with Songsterr.com. They are excellent but have one totally screwed up indexing system. You usually can’t find the song unless you stop first and memorize who wrote it. Total guitar-think.
If Songsterr doesn’t work, try Chordie.com. Although they’ve gone from bad to worse lately, sometimes you get lucky. Their clientele doesn’t know the difference between a chord chart and a real tab. Instead of deleting bad links, Chordie puts a notice there to waste your time. And many of their links now go to album lists instead of the single tune you are probably seeking.
If you’d like to see and hear an example of a totally asinine bass riff written by a guitarist, find the bass tab for Joe Cocker’s “Unchain My Heart”. Just looking at the tab tells you was written by a guitar player who thinks “bass is easy”. First of all, gitar-boy, there are no “x” notes on a bass. If you miss the note, you miss it, no excuses.
True, the song was a hit, but a hit with a simple-minded droning bass line. Note how the no-brainer guitarist pounds on the bass root note. The best transitions he can manage are up or down two frets. Like a dope-smoker, his attention span never quite allows him to play a riff the same way twice.
I’ll tell you a trade secret. One of the first things I do to let the audience know a professional has arrived is play a riff identically each time. This requires more discipline and than most guitarists could ever muster and don’t I know it. I provide a “mental anchor point” so the audience increasingly relates to it as the tune progresses. How’s that for stage savvy? It also explains why strangers can guess what song I’m about to play by the first few bass notes. They are hearing the music, not just the bass.
Here’s an accidental picture. A captured still from the local Russian corner store caught on my video and rotated upright. A total babe. That’s my idea of perfection, but watch it, you gotta move fast before they start looking like Mrs. Gorbachev.Oops, did I rattle the cage last day over real estate prices? I was pointing out that the rate at which the number of foreclosures per month changes is a totally different figure than the rate of foreclosures to total mortgages. (The two go hand in hand.) Out of every 100 mortgages in Florida, around 13 are goners. That is the number to watch.
The next big category is the underwater mortgages. These are folks paying on a loan for more than the property is “worth”. That takes us to 53% of the mortgages, but this is not as serious as it appears. They possess the house, and in all other categories people are used to assets that decline in value. Your car, your TV, and any stocks you invested in are probably worth less than you paid. But so what? Nobody finds that psychologically devastating. End of economics lesson.
Oh, in case you are wondering, around a third of the homes in the USA are owned and do not have a mortgage. In quick other news, the sidecar I was looking at sold. The other contender is a Goldwing, but the older ones don’t like unleaded gas and I’ve heard the reality is they only get 35 mpg.
Major investment time. I next priced out the total gear I’ll need both for the new group (if that works out) and my solo gig (if it doesn’t). The PA, mixer and two wireless connectors (bass and vocals) are going to run me $1,900. I’ll have to do this in baby steps but the potential payout is worth it many times over. Technically, I can do without the wireless for a while. It depends on the new band.
This investment would be a crossroads. It represents the first instance in my life of a career step where I have all the necessary ingredients others take for granted. I remind the reader, I never did get a break in this life, that I worked until the day I nearly fell dead. I did it without talent, as well. I had to force-learn every note I play or sing. This time, I am infinitely more confident in results.
That mildly reminds me of the first band I formed entirely on my own, called “All The Kings Men”. I had bands before, but my childhood was so penniless I had to give others a say. I knew at the time that was a stupid thing to do and once I left, those bands fell flat on their over-opinionated backsides. But if you consider personnel, that said first band is still together forty years later.
That band worked gigs while I was in charge, and I can easily point to the exact moment the accomplishments ceased. It was the day I left. The explanation is my insane and jealous brother. At around fifteen he clued in that I had been sleeping with local woman for years and arrogantly had not told him. He went loopy and set out to destroy everything he could about my reputation, “I got to show the world you ain’t the only one. I got to bring you down a notch. I’m better than you.” (Repeat ad nauseum.)
Eventually he followed me from town to town, running up bills, hitting on my women, showing up on campus, even making false friends with people I shared places with. I’d come home from work and find him in my kitchen 350 miles from where the sumbitch belonged. He eventually convinced my band they “didn’t have to do” what I said. So, while the band still exists as a unit (same bassist, guitarist, and singer) but they’ve been leaderless since 1976 and their report card shows they haven’t managed a goddam thing without me.
For those who spot the correlation, yes, that was the same time I stopped sharing places, stopped giving my family my home address, and began using my middle name. Why this revelation? Well, another item I promised many years ago is that if I ever got into a situation where I had both money and time to spend it creatively, I’d publish a month of lists. Each day for one month, I would list five items for posterity, such as my favorite and least favorite people in this life. Watch for it.
Here’s a sample:
The Five Most Interesting Places I’ve Lived
1. Cuidad Bolivar, Venezuela
2. Inuvik, Canada
3. Pt. Roberts, Washington
4. Burnaby, British Columbia
5. Couer d’Alene, Idaho
[Author's note 2020: don't ask me how this one got past the censors. Remember this blog is intentionally 15% inaccurate.]
