[Author's note 2024: Wow, plainly in 1982 I never meant this page to be published.]
6:30AM. It is raining. I don't know why I put on my best suit of clothes* and walked down the beach. It is so quiet here all winter. Soon, I'll have been here a year. I knew I'd never get out before I turned 30. It was a restless night. I dreamt about Tina and Judy, about Big Willie and the way it was. All I ever wanted was there, but somehow I never had the chance to take it, now it is gone forever.
On the beach I got to thinking how when you marry young all the trials strengthen the relationship. You just don't want to pack it in after putting so much into it. I have lost that option by 10 years. I have also see those trials turn people against each other, and just maybe when I'm forced to take a woman the fact of her having been through all that with somebody else will be in my favor. I keep telling myself there will be a day of reckoning, but even if it is today, it's far too late to make any difference.
I realize now, when I meet kids these days, and adapt a more realistic view of what people's lives are, that it probably just as well I was born poor. I know if I'd had any money or power behind me a youngster, I would have been an unholy terror, the whole woe to the vanquished trip. Remember that in all I've done the single restraining factor was money. Good or bad, I have still to meet anyone whose accomplishments rival my own. (Accomplishment yes, success no.) Yet my unwillingness to find one thing and concentrate on it means it all comes to nothing. I just have a thirst for variety that will never stop until I drown.
Back to the subject, I slipped and fell on a wet log and really bashed my kneecap. Marty & I played guitars for an hour, then I drove to Dave's. (Dave S.). Crystal (Waters)was ther, pregnant from Howard. Great supper. Bobby forbade Rossie to see Dean. We'll see if that lasts. They are all moving behind the Cariboo tomorrow. Dave and I drove around looking at pianos. Business was good, in fact, very good.
[Author's note 2019: years later articles about the difference between force and power were commonplace, but at the time, I was struggling with the concept. I was dead wrong that trials strengthen relationships. and the business referred to was a moving van service we ran for six months, but the labor was too intense for me.
As for my "realistic view" of people lives, it is a reference to my growing disappointment over people who had opportunities but never used them.]
*my best may not have been all that great in 1982.
Here's a photo to liven this page of laments. This was considered band fashion in 1982. At least by Aerosmith.
