My phone never rings on Saturday afternoon. Marion (my best friend) called unexpectedly. You can only guess how long we’ve been friends, and those of you who know will vouch that we do manufacture tales. Here are the facts. Her son arrived in Colorado to celebrate his upcoming 19th birthday, and discovered the legal age to gamble was 18. He blew 45 dollars on lottery tickets, at which point Marion dragged him aside and delivered a stern lecture on the evils of gaming.One of the tickets was Florida Monopoly, and the kid won $100,000. There was nothing by way of advice I could add to what she said to him, but what are the odds he’ll never listen to her again? My stance is to have him voluntarily give up a portion of the money, and watch him blow the rest. He will have learnt the lesson and still have a nest egg. Why not? Most of us went through the same process without the hundred grand to practice on.
Wallace is back where he belongs and I don’t mind pointing out that he is again recognizing the benefits of this place over Canada, where only the rich can afford to obey all the rules. I know the system because I worked there when I say Canada is paradise if you are “lucky” enough to be crazy, sick, pregnant, ethnic, crippled or just plain queer. Test if you are Canadian: You live in a half million dollar house but you are a half million in debt. You know who you are. Secondary test: You think debt consolidation works.
Back to the Taurus, we still cannot figure out what is wrong. Recent inspection shows it may not be the head gasket. It was wild getting to the airport in Carlo’s old van. We had to top up the power steering. In another brilliant Florida engineering feat, the airport has hung a plastic pipe over the parking lot entrance to bump into the roof of vehicles which are too tall to enter. The problem is, they have located the pipe past the point of no return. Within seconds there are twenty cars behind you leaning on the horn.
I suggested we let half the air out of the tires but then figured the pipe probably was an inch lower than true. Sure enough, we eased through with a sixteenth of an inch to spare. Let’s hear it for the Ft. Lauderdale airport, Hip Hip – Hooray, you stilted pack of inbred morans. [Author’s note: I am the party who legitimatized the spelling “moran” after a popular photo circulating the Internet. I am the chief of the Grammar Police and I am the one who started the spelling wars on Craigslist, way back when you never even heard of it.]
We have a bite on the spare room. A lady from Jacksonville called and answered all my questions correctly. For anyone else even looking for a room in Florida, be wary of anything less than $600 per month. There is something wrong with it, guaranteed. I once lived in a room that the landlady turned off the A/C on weekends. A friend of mine found himself in a house full of screaming single-parent kids. People will rent out a garage with no windows as a room. A room is not a large closet with a curtain. Be careful in these parts.
Wallace got in, remarked that he had forgotten how peaceful and quiet this place is, and zonked out for eleven hours.
