See the hard drive on the right? It is about to have all its data erased. The hard way, but it is for a good cause. This proves I afford any expense to keep my small but growing FireHow readership happy. Google [veryatlantic] and satisfy your curiosity. What about the smaller drive on the left? Oh, that was the big drive when it was growing up.
1. The victim is unaware he is infected and assumes all others are infected or want become infected. The millennal "day after zombie" syndrome.
2. The carriers are music teachers, who spread the disease orally. Self-taught musicians are only rarely contaminated.
3. It is common for sufferers to own several instruments which become objects of affection and idolatry, often obsessing over intricate details of construction and brand names.
4. Victims are unable to think clearly about factual situations in their environment, ever dreaming a distant and over-glorified past will return.
5. They worship other sufferers from the disease, regularly retaining heroes far past normal childhood boundaries.
6. Over time, the disease morphs into fantastic delusions of inflated self-worth, bringing the victim to a musical standstill that persists well past middle-age.
7. The disease produces a euphoric but temporary high whenever the victim is allowed to bring up the topic of guitars, followed by extended periods of musical unemployment.
8. Anti-social behavior toward other musicians is prevalent, often accompanied by bouts of irrational argumentations that others are subservient.
9. The victim fantasizes he can musically accomplish anything, with delusions that his playing is original.
10. The final stages of the disease causes the victim to believe that musical form becomes superior to function.
I have labeled this disease “Guitaritis”, a particularly virulent form of verbal diarrhea. The sickness is at least on a par with alcoholism for its effects on society, the victim’s family and career. There is no cure and therapy is ineffective. Although a form of sobriety results when the victim learns to play another musical instrument, relapse is very common.
Some may think I’m joking, but I’m not. I’ve seriously met a lot of people with this disease. If Mark Knopfler and Johnny Cash had ever played the same town, I could tell you what concert I’d be at. Bryne today mentioned Chet Atkins called Knopfler great, but Knopfler bores me to worse than please-change-the-channel distraction. On the other hand, I think Atkins is truly talented. This difference is easy to explain: I don’t have guitaritis.
