This is the kind of asinine patter used to kill the first few minutes of every known talk show. But what I can’t understand is why they always include it in recorded copies of the dialogue. Maybe to tip off anyone with brains to change the channel? The BK (Burger King) over near Walmart has a big screen TV, so don’t go there with your crossword. It is the only convenient coffee shop in the area. Watch out, though, they keep it on the reality channels. You know how we were all told time and again since grade school not to rely on social security for retirement? Well, that BK is the hangout for all the dumb twits who didn’t listen.
Well, anyway, that got me to thinking. Suppose you were not in a union or anything and you wanted a retirement plan? Who could you trust? I see the ads for long term investors, but if you’ll notice, these are for-profit firms who have no restrictions on risking your money. All they need is a disclaimer and you could be out your pension. So I’m not talking about insurance companies or brokerage firms who pretend to be on your side, or banks whose interest rates are a disgusting bad joke. Rather a good old down-home style pension plan that offers the relative security of a union. Where your retirement funds are conservatively invested over the long term, that is, where the incentive to gamble does not play a big role in management.
Why am I thinking this? Don’t I know that concept is already filled by life insurance companies? Is it now? I reject that, for the payout is based on actuarial tables and far too much personal circumstance. When I was in the union, it was based on how much you put in for how many years—and nothing else. They don’t ask or care whether you smoke, drive too fast, or if your distance relations had the goiter. You pay up and they hand you a chart of how much you’ll get. This has a certain charm to it.
The bottom line is you can’t ignore the oil levels more than fifty miles at a time on these Chinese copies. The recommended oil change on synthetic is twice as many miles as regular, so the price actually comes out fairly even.
My favorite tune long-term is still Johnny Cash’s “Folsom Prison Blues”, probably because it is so distinctive. Anyway, I’ve calculated that in my lifetime, if I add up all the minutes I’ve played that song, it would be the equivalent of 60 days, that’s 24-hour days non-stop. Or six months of 8-hour days with no weekends.
For those of you who cling to the hope that crime labs are the slick professionals portrayed on CSI, here’s a tidbit of trivia for you. On the condition of anonymity, retired personnel from that particular lab admitted their blood samples were only spun at 1500 rpm because above that speed their centrifuge “made a scary noise”. Goes to show you how top-notch these people get when handed a little responsibility, say, for your life.
Also, be doubly suspicious of crime labs in third world jurisdictions like Florida. In places like that, you are best off working the presumption that every government operation is corrupt unless they can prove otherwise. I didn’t say they were, I just said you are better off treating them that way. This crime-fighting equipment doesn't come cheap, so you can bet these labs have a huge vested interest in an on-going string of convictions. Bear in mind, the prosecution has access to state money while the defendant is on his own.
I stopped by the club for a quick meeting. Twenty minutes of discussion reveals that everybody is happy, but we are not making any money. The meetings and agenda are very popular, but there is no revenue. We imagine every club sooner or later faces this. My proposal was that if we cannot generate income, there are certain official ways we could at least declare the expenses, which amount to $770 per year. It’s not like we would be fudging the basis of our club nor its legitimacy. If outfits as intellectually useless as eHarmony and New York City can write off their expenses, why not us?
ADDENDUM
Does your band have a demo CD? If so, your band is a prime example of what I mean by “same planet, different worlds”. Why does your band have a demo CD? Because you are a sucker who does not understand the true workings of the music business, which mostly takes place at street level. Demo disks are about as effective advertising as those little cards that fall out of new magazines. You know what I'm talkin' about. I have never known a band hired because of a demo. I’ve heard bands claim they did, but they would say that, wouldn’t they?
Once again, the expense of producing a demo tape is looming in my life. I thought I’d describe this item from two perspectives. The guitar player’s and my own. Are you ready? Are you really ready? Okay, the guitar player’s wisdom goes like this. The club owner, after reviewing his financials and balancing the books, on Saturday night retires to his study. With his brandy snifter, he thumbs the column of recent CD submissions, puts on his headphones, and dedicates his evening to carefully reviewing which band plays the best, carefully weighing their respective merits.
My version goes like this. He gasps, sales are down, and yells at the barkeep to get somebody in there playing shit as long as it isn’t so bad it scares the customers away. The beer truck is pulling up Monday morning and he don’t care how you get the money together. Jeezus, how the hell does he know? Look at the damn CD label. Long as they don’t look like punks, hire ‘em. No old farts either.
Ah, the seamy underbelly of the music trade. Where for once experience is the worst teacher. And intelligence counts for about the same as it does in the army or the phone company. I was one with a band that spent $2,000 on a demo. Then the guitar player quit. Only $2,000? That I know of, because that’s when I quit. Read my lips, demo disks are the boondoggle of the recording industry. A studio produced CD has little bearing on live performance, where the band has to work the room.
However, a short tape of a live session is handy just in case. I’ll go through the motions because Billie-Bill has a studio grade camera. So I’ll master two copies. One, your standard demo, two something that focuses on how the band can bring in business. I still think the demo tape should show the audience, not the band. But try telling that to a guitar player. Anyway, I’m thinking we should record some tunes using my PA system up at Jimbos. The décor there looks so authentic that people have been mistaking the place for a dumpy Florida bar for the past twenty years. Wink-nudge.
I’ve also reviewed the music Billie-Bill wants to include. Where I can’t do harmonies, I can do a lot of the background vocals. Some of it will be both the slowest and the only slow music I play. I’ve never heard of bands like the Johnny Burnette Trio, but rockabilly is incredibly easy since it has one pattern and one tempo. I'm beginning to infer all one key, as well. Think Elvis from the same era. The upright bass is not a versatile instrument and I have the same hunch about people who play the thing.
Here is a partial list of his [Billie-Bill's] music. See if you do better than I did:
“Honey Don’t” – Carl Perkins
“Tear It Up” – the Johnny Burnette Trio
“Come On Little Momma” – Ray Harris
