February 8, 2014

           For anyone who has noticed that there are very few pictures of me these days, there is a reason for that. Maybe I'm out of town. Today’s boobie prize goes to the Behringer factory who hire obvious retards and mental defectives to design their products. They’ve been sued for patent infringement countless times. True, it is a German name, but they relocated to China in 1990 and the quality went over there as well. How come I've got one, then? I have a unique use for the model shown here, advertised as a “five-input mixer”, but most people don't unless they can sing to a drum machine.

           Since a mixer controls tone, this object is a one-channel mixer. The other four inputs are two left & right stereo inputs with only a volume and pan knob. That is an oxymoron, Ken, since a one-channel mixer has nothing to mix. The inputs are phono jacks (“guitar plugs”) so it is made for musical instruments as one does not connect a microphone to anything lacking tone controls. Isn’t that just great? It must work something like this. First, you find an electrical instrument that does not have its own built-in volume control. Then find somebody who likes music louder out of one speaker than the other. This involves searching the universe and going back in time, but if you find such a person, Behringer's got him covered.
           I’m drilling pilot holes to mount the contraption on a floor box as it has another terrible feature. There is no off on switch and one cannot be easily installed near the unit, as the transformer is in the middle of cable. Only a blithering moron puts a wall wart in the middle of the cable. Think about it. I’ve clamped it down with an aluminum strap visible just under my right hand. Ah, I hear somebody saying you can’t buy aluminum strapping that wide. Well, it is possible although you must cut them into shape. It comes from a company called “Pepsi-Cola”.
           Disheartened as I was feeling y’day about guitar playing, Jag showed up today and was able to do a respectable job on our top fifteen numbers. I have all of it on video in case one more person tells me what I want cannot be done. The sad but true is that Jag & I are not that great, but he is doing a better job than the professionals. His lack of real world experience means I’m carrying the bulk of the workload myself and I’m getting old. Nonetheless, there is nothing like making a little money from the venture and we are getting very close to that phase. Maybe next Saturday we’ll play out for a pre-bingo show. He surprised me, actually.
           From his descriptions, the college he is attending has a different approach to teaching than in my day, but it does not seem to be any better. The most noticeable is how they tend to teach technical material at a constant pace. That does not match how people learn it. Usually, you follow along until something tricky messes you up and you sputter over it long enough to miss much of the remainder of the course. And you never catch up. They had two projects, the old mouse trap car and a circuit board.

           I’ve never built either. But I’ve read up on the mouse trap cars. The popular design seems to be attaching a rod to the kill bar and a string to the axle. The wheels are surplus CDs which probably makes for terrible traction, though there are many videos that show the speed is fairly well controlled. Why has not anyone incorporated a flywheel? Or a second mousetrap triggered by the lever arm? Now the circuit board, I could have helped. The school didn’t teach them to test each component as it was installed. Jag reports both projects failed. I wonder why?
           Tomorrow, I find out if I’m still in a band, but I think it will be so. I’ve gotten some flak (in my non-published comments) suggesting that I’m covering up for having cranked my amp too loud and clobbering the other guys. Not so, I was repeatedly asked by the audience to turn up, not down. So be critical, not stupid.
           Be informed that for all my doubts about this band becoming successful, I have a vested interest in that success and in my position should it happen. I will say again these are the finest musicians I have ever met in Florida and you can bet your ass I do nothing to jeopardize my eight months invested with the group. The problem is not that I steal the show, but exactly the opposite. I play along better with the group than they can play along together with each other.
           [Author's note: If you were at the shows, you’d notice the crowd does NOT take to me instantly, but later in the evening after they spot I am not comping. I am merely doing my job exceedingly well--and you can't fault that.]
           I call it stage presence, or stage time, and it cannot be faked. Here is an analogy. There is not one of us, man or woman, who has not noticed that pretty girls act differently than the others. They aren’t doing anything wrong, in fact, most of the time they just stand there. They know you are looking, they know they can get away with anything, but they don’t. Just knowing is enough. Can you spot the element of human nature I’m talking about? It isn’t confidence or attitude, but it is there. In my case, I call it stage presence.
           At the same time, don’t get me wrong. If I can do a solo act or steal a show, damn rights I would. What the hell, do you think I’m some kind of servile peasant? I’m in it for me just as much as the next guy. I’m not good enough to steal the show. But I can be a crowd favorite. You’ll never see me described as hailing from a humble village in Texas, son of a failed school-teacher. No sirree.
           Bingo? See you at breakfast in the morning. Anywhere you want to go in this town is fine by me. My treat.