We all gotta start somewhere, and this is where I started. See that perfectly straight seam? There are many like her, but this one is mine. Design and material compliments of Learn 2 Sew Inc. which by pure coincidence is just five minutes from here. This lesson was proof of concept, I now know that I can do this and the hem and cuff class is the obvious next move.
There was also time to sew a small “pillowcase” and a round doohickey that, once the basics of the machine are understood, came off neatly on the first attempt. I regret now throwing out two loads of clothes last year when I moved, but there are plenty of used-to-be long-sleeve shirts still in my closet. For $25 per class, guys, get over any insecurities and sign up. It is worth every penny.Let’s take stock. I can bake. I can fix shoes. I can type. When I finish Home Ec 101 and can sew, I’ll be my own butler. These are not hobbies, these are practical moves in the face of what is heading this way. Ann Landers would say I’m making lemonade. I pity those who are not taking an active hand in their own self-reliance. The very last of the affordable service shops are about to retire. Have others not seen American businesses will go bankrupt before they’ll lower their prices?
I kind of had two choices with the sewing machine. I’ve decided to investigate the Kenmore, though even that model has a shitload of features I’ll never use. The other choice, from what I understand, is to get a fancy machine, but then sit around watching over-30 dating on cable TV and bitchin’ how swell everybody else has it, letting the machine rust. My calculations show that a Kenmore will pay for itself just fixing the tiny wardrobe I have already.
When I stepped out the door this morning, I saw a diminutive black lady standing beside her car in the empty parking lot. The traffic was ignoring her so I went over to see what gives. It turns out the plastic fenderwell lining had fallen off and was making a terrible screeching noise which she could not stop the car to investigate without also stopping the noise. You can just make out her reflection on the door panel with me snapping this picture.I examined the situation and pulled the whole piece loose. Then I put it in her trunk and told her to get it fixed soon. Why? In the old days, the fenderwells were empty space, but these days they are crammed with the windshield washer bottle and all kinds of delicate wiring and gadgets that have to be expensively removed before you can change a damn fan belt. That plastic is the only thing between these parts and the road. Incidentally, the plastic piece gets broken by driving like an idiot over those yellow parking chocks. I sent her on her way.
Trivia for the day is another of those gems that would take forever to find out on your own. Everybody knows each cell in your body, your skin, your hair, your tears, contains an exact replica of your entire DNA. Well, not quite. Red blood cells don’t have DNA. That gallon of red blood at the crime scene won’t help the cops catch the bad guy. But don’t worry; the white blood cells supply all the DNA they want.
How about a little dating philosophy? My client and I got to talking again about dating and how she was to do a little matchmaking. Where do you meet single women? This has got to be one of those fields where, for some reason, 99% of people start from scratch, but they will never say they don’t know. They start by suggesting church groups or eHarmony, as if you’ve been living under a rock.
Church groups are where I met that weirdo nurse who left her cell phone on the table between us “in case her son called for bail money”. That’s same nurse who emailed for months after I quit calling to pray for me because I “could not deal with the complexities” in her life.
And eHarmony is the new dive bar, the new bus depot, where the only truly available women are the skanks. The rest have cell phones on the table. The rule of thumb is: when you take dating advice from a woman, remember she already considers you a deadbeat for being single in the first place.
Myself, I’ve only dated one woman in my life I did not meet through music (Judith Ann Minty). She was, like myself, single never married. My complaint is not the commonplace version that I’m meeting them and can’t connect. I can connect any time I want. It is that I’m not meeting anyone to connect with. The supply dried up years ago.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I would prefer a woman who has been a natural blue-eyed blonde (like myself) for at least one tiny, eentsy moment in her life. The other facet of dating is how hardnosed women get when you mention looks. If you even suggest you are attracted by attraction, they pop a fuse, get antsy and bent right out of shape. Why, you are being unreasonable. You only want a beauty queen. You must be a child molester. Your standards are too high. You are robbing the cradle. You have outrageous expectations. You are also about to leave. That’s what I do.
[Author’s note: Yes, I know the obvious conclusion if you want to date when you are past a certain age. Since you won’t get much being single without also being rich, tall and handsome, that leaves one option for most men. The only way for them to avoid monotony is to get a woman at home and cheat. I did not say that was right, only that most men have no choice if they want variety. I concede that the men who cheat for sexual adventure are universally the simple-minded azzholes who have done nothing to deserve it, but I won’t lecture them on this fact nearly as often as I did my own brothers. Nice guy that I am.]
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