May 31, 2009

           My new cellular was set to ring loudly. We tested it at MetroPCS. But it will not stay loud. This is the Nokia 1606. I will never own another Nokia—and I was one of their most loyal customers. The new phone randomly reverts to the wrong ring tone and loses the settings if you turn it off. I have no choice but to spend money on another phone. Today’s photo is what junk looks like, don’t waste your money on it.
           Warning: it is very difficult to determine that the phone is a 1606 because Nokia has obliterated all incriminating markings. They have had every chance to replace the phone at their own expense with something that works but have repeatedly failed to do so.
           If I’d had the presence of mind, you’d see a picture today of the lovely Mila, who rented the room a year ago. She was by for coffee during the afternoon and reports some interesting turns of events. For example, I didn’t know her ex-husband owned the home over behind Carlos’ place. It is now hers and for sale. She is a fan of the way I make coffee. She was with her son.
           We talked music, and in an inspired moment, had the three of us playing rock, blues and country. It was a flashback for me because her son is now 13. He is clearly a lot bigger, city-wise and more mature than I ever was at that stage, not to mention he has all the support and encouragement needed. Yet the fact stands that I personally, with formidable opposition, single-handedly create a rock band at the same age. I didn’t say just start the band, but created it from thin air, using non-musicians.
           We were called “All The Kings Men” (nothing to do with several other bands of the same name). I didn’t realize it at the time, but the efforts of managing a five piece group required all the energy I could muster. Although I taught the guitarist how to play guitar and the bassist how to play bass, they easily outdistanced what I could do and went into rebellion mode. At that point we never learned another new tune right up until the band split up after graduation.

           Update 2014-05-31: To this day, decades later, I find myself still baby-sitting musicians whenever I try to start a band. It would seem all the musicians with potential are all taken and those still looking for a startup after age 30 never really seem to work out. Unlike other occupations, time and experience are not very good lessons for most guitar players. They will cling to an unrealistic teenage ideal for life.

           By then, the other musicians were denying that I was the catalyst that got things moving. The bassist denies that I was his teacher; the guitarist maintains that although he never touched music before meeting me, that “it was all inevitable”. Interestingly, this band is still together, and still playing much the same music I taught them. That always brings out a smile, wondering what might they have done if they’d been listening instead of talking. I hear they’ve since tried everything from punk to recording with zero success. Seems to be a management problem at the management level, n’yuck n’yuck.

           Update 2014-05-31: I had learned that lesson the hard way, that to most musicians hearing or seeing something is (to them) the same as actually accomplishing the thing. It is now 2014 and that band has been together 48 years. They've learned new music, but the set lists of what they play on stage still reveals the dominating influence I had at the beginning in 1966. It was music picked for what had the best audience appeal as opposed to show-off tunes like Clapton, the one artist whose music I refused to play on my stage. I like to think the bands I start are enduring, but I've had my failures and I should add that the band that lasted so long, two of the players were brothers.

           I spent the entire day on maintenance, including repairs to tire pumps, garden hoses, spark plug cables, ink cartridge syringes, bathing trunks and shoe liners. One thing still broken is the jack on my Danelectro bass. It requires solder and I cannot find a soldering iron that gets hot enough to melt the alloy. I have one of those Benz-O-matic butane torches, a real expensive piece of shit. It never gets hot and it is not compatible with any of the six nozzles that come with a standard butane refill cylinder. What a rip-off.
           Which is about when Mila came to the door. My, but she is a raven-haired beauty. We have a date next Saturday. I’m about to give some details here that will interest my long-term acquaintances. Mila is moving out west and that means I’ll have an economical place to stay when I head back myself. There is someone I would like to stop in and visit after twenty years. One of my first jobs out of high school was working in the orchards of that area. It’s a small world. Mila’s brother has a place in Yakima, Washington.

           Update 2014-06-01: Within the month, Mila met a guy of her own religion that had money and was completely out of the picture. It was to be another four long years before I was back in Yak-Yak-Yakima and by then had totally lost contact with her. Too bad, she could have been the one.

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May 30, 2009

           Here is a free concert at Young Circle, Hollywood. I heard the music from a quarter mile away and biked over. There were maybe 15 widely spaced people listening in. These were talented players but it was like listening to Blues clichés strung together quite endlessly. Since I was 18, I’ve called them “Married Guy Bands”. In venues like Hollywood, these events do little else than drag business away from the surroundings.
           Then again, I’m off the market until I get my car running decently. It seems to be missing on one piston every so often. Without the car, I can’t get to my own gigs. I’ve rode my bike to gigs before, it is the coming home afterward that is the bad part.
           File Express is still in business. The original company was called Expressware from Arizona. Now they are called Millenia, I think, and still sell much the same database. It lists as 20-40 employees with sales of $4 to $6 million annually. It is still DOS based and comes with the same lousy set of instructions. It cannot be beat for ease of use. It has gone through at least five versions and the latest claims it has basic “relational” capabilities. For $99, I may give it a try. [MicroSoft] Access has repeatedly proven itself too asinine to bother with for the simple stuff.
           Any database requires a learning curve, I’m saying the miracles take a little time. The FE version I am using is from 1987. It does not use the SQL search format although it will export a variety of delimited files. Like Star Trek that came out in 1966, it has not changed all that much. That reminds me, another movie in that endless series is being heavily advertised. [Author’s note: FE or File Express database is not the same as File Express, the ftp software.]
           Neil Diamond is still around, and I’d like to see his show. Didn’t I write something about him and the Hard Rock a few months ago? His music and I go back a long ways, although I’ve only played it recently. I’ve been learning the requested tune “Sweet Caroline” and after busting my chops on it (I gave up on it several years ago) I discovered the original version had a capo on the 8th bass fret. Sneaky.
           In one of the first phases of changing my act, I took inventory of my musical equipment. I’ve got to replace all the small stuff because it is plain worn out. Quality has gone for a dump. I remember when a good expensive phono cable lasted five years. My bass also needs a new jack assembly. Things will proceed slowly, don’t be surprised if it takes until September to get a basic functional show worked out.

Author's note 2015-05-30: That seems a laugh now, getting a band together by September. I was still new at the finding a guitar player game and did not know about the Broward Guitar Mafia. But I grew up around people who would rather waste their lives doing nothing than compromise. I'm different, I'll compromise and later quit if things don't improve. I didn't know that was par for the course on May 30, 2009. But I learned fast enough.
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May 29, 2009

           The new tenant is Marney, or at least I think it is. We have not met except over Craigslist. As long as she isn’t a medical student we should be okay. That’s a joke, son. She will be showing up around the 12th of June. Normally we would not hold the place but she sounds like she’s fairly steady. Here is the room, which you can see is not too large nor too small. Don’t inspect the white wall too closely, since I have not yet painted it, or installed the baseboard.
           The tapestry hides an old double window. It would provide a stunning view of the utility room. There is plenty of room for a SOHO. Behind me are two closets and to the left a huge dresser, fridge, microwave, etc. It is easy to forget that when we arrived, there was no room to rent, now we can easily pick who we want in here.
           Alert to the world: my phone is working again. I should say my replacement phone.
           Who remembers good old “File Express”? No? Well then you are not a database person. It was a small DOS program, a flat file database. A lot of us cut our teeth on it. I wonder if they are even still around, since relational file databases took over. Still, File Express has some uses, such as tracking shoe repair tickets. I dug out my old copy and I still like it for ease of use.
           Wallace likes the Mimosa, which is closer and doesn’t (yet) attract the same crowd as the Panera. Hopefully the lack of free refills at Mimosa will keep the element away. That element patronizes Panera because they can sit there all day for a dollar. Big operators. Wallace says he bumped into Pete the Rock, who beat a retreat when Wallace took out his laptop. This makes sense to me for the reason that follows. I’ve seen it many times.
           A lot of people did not heed my warnings about giving out their information for free. It was only a matter of time before computers were used to pull all those little scraps of information together into your profile, usually without your knowledge or permission. Now it behaves like a single huge database that tells everyone all they need to know to sue, dun, spam, or arrest you. In a sense, when you hear about the “cloud”, they are referring to this virtual database.
           Well, guys like Pete go through life with the “I’ve got nothing to hide” attitude, which implies others do. Then one day they apply for something in the system (maybe food stamps) and out come all their old arrest records, failed high school courses, unpaid parking tickets, credit rejections, all the bad and none of the good. Of course, they don’t blame themselves, they blame the computer. That is why they run and hide.
           The Megabite Café is finally open in the new location. It is rather expensively renovated, with a stage twelve feet over the dance floor that the band reaches by ladder. I would not want to set my gear up in there. I finally met the owner, who seems like a reasonable chap. Since I was the only customer, I ordered a Carona. That set me back six bucks. I noticed they have the same number of Internet cubicles as I do (3), and there’s are located against the dance floor wall. Where the couples can shoulder surf.
           I have a copy DVD of “War of the Worlds”, the remake, which I saw quite a few years ago. They turned it into a semi-chick flick, with the single father, pregnant ex-wife and other bozo types not in the book. What makes me laugh is how producers unwittingly portray the dissimilarity in way how stupid people and smart people panic. Oh yes, there is a remarkable difference. Stupid people always panic in groups, smart people panic alone. Stupid people also panic in a way that endangers others, like on a submarine or fire escape. One thing to remember, ladies and girls, is scream an awful lot. It makes you sound so intelligent, it shows that you know how to responsibly handle yourself, and it helps Martians and rapists find you in the dark. Eek! Over here! There’s three of us!

Author's note 2015-05-29: the student did not show up--which is just as well, since there have been some scam alerts. That, and Wallace proved too unstable to allow for a systematic operation of home base. He's one of those that thinks when you make a pact with him, you also make a pact with his family. No wonder the guy will die a broke and lonely old man.

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May 28, 2009

           Take a break, spend a few weeks at the Canada Motel, over on Monroe. It is nowhere near Canada and I think it may not be a motel either. There are local plates on the cars year round and there are no bargains to be had in tourist accommodation in these parts.
           I spent the day apprenticing and making the usual number of bone-head mistakes. Generally since I’m turning a profit for the shop, it’s not a serious thing when I screw things up. The worst situation these days is I’m working beside a loud vacuum machine and I’m missing phone calls. Thanks a lot Nokia, for being such useless scum, selling a phone that won’t ring and telling me I have to return it to some dealer I never heard of. [Author's note: between Nokia and MetroPCS, they finally replaced the phone. Everyboy call me back.]
           Degbert is sending me lots of photos and quips, but he doesn’t understand a few things I need to finish the rodeo article at this end. For example, a list of items that must be included, and I’m flying blind without it. He has to market the production and I won’t be doing another Al Vicki in Florida.
           Who’s Al Vicki? He’s a writer, of sorts, that I met in California back in ’91. I’d had a laptop for years by then. (Yes, there were laptops back in 1985.) He came into the Kinko’s where I worked and was renting a computer. It dawned on him that things could get expensive when you don’t know how to type. He offered me $15 per hour to word process a script. I would have declined except he did have some major hand in the production of “Alice’s Restaurant”. I thought he had contacts but if he did, he was not sharing the information.
           The deal was I plug his words onto a disk. At any rate, that’s what I agreed to. Al figured since he was paying me so much (his opinion), he was going to watch over my shoulder and edit the script as we went along. It was taking an hour per page, made worse by his squawking over the price. Well Al, my job was to key enter sixty pages of material, not assist you in rewording half of it.
           I usually work in an office, which makes me familiar with how low caliber people operate. Al reminded me of my coworkers, back when I had a cubicle at the big corporation. The company emphasized “cooperation”. The way this worked out was all fifty people in the department were constantly full of ideas on how you could make their lives easier.
           Carlos across the way has a new roomie, the Dan-O I’ve mentioned. He’s come by some hard times so we’ve been helping out. Last evening Wallace asked for beer, which nobody keeps in the house. So I suggested they try that expensive wine. Half the bottle is still left. I tried in myself and I am no connoisseur. Frankly, it tastes exactly like the el cheapo Chianti that Eatmore (Judy Minty) used to order with pizza. It’s okay, but save it for somebody who enjoys such things. I’m aware of the theories about wine but the potential for alcoholism outweighs all benefits. There are so many people who deny they are addicted because they drink wine with a meal. Every day.
           I know a lot about shoes than I did and the place is certainly a lot busier than the computer shop. Alfredo asked about some kind of computer system to track his tickets. He uses a scribbler and it can take a while to find older items. He color codes the years and he’s got shoes nobody has picked up since 1997. I’ll see if I can find my old copy of File Express, since his system does not justify Access (a relational database, so it is claimed).
           Music is on the back burner. I’m learning a few new tunes each week. I can claim to play bass exactly as I always have since I was 12. While that is strictly true, I’ve noticed everything now takes on my personal touch. I used to record-copy, and it was not unusual to play several songs per set with virtually the same bass lines. Now that I’m a solo, I can’t get away with that. I leave the bass volume the same and most dynamics are from pickwork, you know, a plectrum.
           I’ve been watching my act on video, and my bass lines have changed. Many times, I seem to play an old tune the way it would be played today (as opposed to the style of the time). I’ve compared this to different styles on youTube. The so-called great bass players are, for the most part, not playing bass. They are playing lead riffs. And like most lead, very little of it, despite what the composer claims, is original.
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May 27, 2009

           Take a gander at this batch of shoes. Looking pretty new if you ask me. New soles, new heels and waxed to a sparkle. You get what you pay for. The bottom line is you are working with your hands at your own speed and the money is there. It is all still new and interesting to me.

           A couple of interesting updates is all you get today. One is the lady from Jacksonville. She is already referring to the room as “hers”, a definite good sign. I think what sold her was that we offered to pick her up from the airport/terminal/station of her choice.

           Update 2014-05-27: In the end, I could not rent the room to this lady as due to circumstances beyond my control, I was unable to give her a date when she could move in.

           Next is Degbert. I think that is his last name. This is the photographer that wanted the rodeo girl article. I’ve still not met the guy except over the Internet but he is excited about something. If you are not familiar with the story, he advertised last week for an author to write about some photos he’d taken. He has read only the sample few words I emailed him. Yet he keeps saying he can “hardly wait”. He wants to market the story (the inclusive term I use for his pictures and my words) in Europe.

           Update 2014-05-27: Degbert was advertising on the Internet for a writer to accompany the picture documentaries he was taking around Florida. I sent him a sample of my writing, shown below. You may notice it is a completely different style from this blog, since when there is money involved, I will write to spec.

           I gather there may be some serious money involved and my cut is 50%. I have not yet informed him I will insist on a copy of the payment document and a notorized statement that it is completely revealing. That’s all routine, what I can’t follow is his hysteria. He has mentioned “$10,000” before. That is only five large each and nothing to get his panties in such a knot over. Should I ask him how old he is?
           Wallace was caught in the rainstorm, describing the entire street as a flood. No problem, we are a foot and a half off the terrain on a concrete foundation. I usually keep on riding home if it rains while I’m on the bicycle, since I can duck inside wet and change. I often go past the “Blarney Stone”, a pub on Dixie. I never went in there except to look for work, but I recall how they had a rule against allowing bicycles inside when it rained. I’m glad they quit enforcing that unfriendly policy, at least ever since they went bankrupt.
           You get a sneak preview. I mentioned the sample above. If I get the Pulitzer, you saw it here first. This is a representative passage, in my characteristic commercial format (where I present information so the reader doesn’t necessarily know he is bombarded with information).

          “Meet J. on a typical day at the job. There are no cubicles or water coolers in this occupation. Thoroughbred horses and purebred cattle demand attention and a firm grip on the reins. Stockgrowing is big business in Florida, after all, it has been established here for five hundred years. The first cattle arrived with Ponce de Leon in 1521, beating Texas by a few centuries. Only the best ranches have survived but the pressures of change are facing the land and the cowboy lifestyle.
          “Few people know that as well as J., who has been a cowgirl, rodeo rider and wrangler for most of her 21 years. Florida is as flat as the open prairie and for horses it doesn’t get much better. J. may be the last generation of her family to keep the horse and cattle tradition alive. The future looms uncertain due to competition, conservation and a faltering economy that does not play favorites.

           These words don’t really set the woods ablaze, so at this point I don’t really know much more than you do. Check back regularly. That’s what I’ll be doing. Update 2014-05-27: What I mean here is that these words were written before I had any facts from Degbert. He had not yet told me what the focus of the article was, so this is essentially a sample of how I would write fiction. I do not know whatever became of Degbert, but when I insisted on a written payment schedule in writing, he disappears.
           We pause our regular programming for a moment of silence. I have officially played a steady house gig for two years by calendar date (this upcoming Friday weekday). That’s mainly as a soloist. I have a ways to go to make the better joints, but that is already in the works. This paid me, shall we say, at least as much as any coffee house, plus tips. My own entertainment budget has been miniscule during the same period. What can I say except “Neener, neener” to a few so-called better musicians than I. House gigs or the lack of them is the sign of your worth in this business. Even touring rock stars dream of a house gig.

           Update 2014-05-27: I still, in a very evolved sense, play that same house gig to this day. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Glen. Glen, Glen, stop! That is just figure of speech!!!

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May 26, 2009

           Here is a photo of the early morning situation in Wallace’s former front yard. The bright sunlight breaks over a bleak and frozen tract. So what if it is big? What kind of enjoyment do you get out of a place covered with snow like that? Don’t we love those places that “get more sunshine than Florida” north of the Arctic Circle? Personally I find nothing romantic or charming about such a scene. I am certain that some people enjoy such weather while assuring you I am not one of them. The Florida weather report this morning predicts a high of 88 degrees. F.
           It is also storm season, which is not the same as hurricane season. They are normally late afternoon downpours that keep you inside. Once you get used to it and are stockpiled with food it is not that bad. Just keep in mind that Florida storms are also noisy. Thunder, and the raindrops are the size of pellets.
           Wallace brought me a book, “The South Beach Diet”. I read the opening chapters of this logical book around ten years ago. The author, a cardiologist, made sense because he studied why most diets fail. I did not really read past the part where he said I would have to give up Carnation [evaporated milk] in my coffee. However I will take another look, although I am skeptical that the reason diets initially work is because they impart a little self-control into some people’s lives, often for the first time. And they fail once the sloth returns.
           The claim is this diet is designed not to fail. If I do this thing, it means Wallace gets the same. The regimen says no spuds, rice or bread for two weeks. This is Phase One of the diet, learning to overcome appetite for certain foodstuffs. Two weeks is not bad if I can sell the story to the National Enquirer. If Wallace agrees, we will go on what is certainly a famous and enduring diet plan. Let’s see who caves first. I have no problem living on raw fish.
           Millie the lab dog is not well, so I dragged her onto the big carpet and raked her down with the hair comb. It is probably jet lag, I mean, what in millions of years of evolution prepares a dog for daylight savings? She seems fine to me, if lacking a little of the old spunk from last years. Let me see if I can calculate her people age before I run out of fingers. Millie is short for Millenium, so she was born in 2000. That makes her shy of 59 and I say she should be slowing down. Pudding-Tat is around 3 cat years.
           It is never too late to learn a trade. I replaced 11 heels today, the tricky part is working the grinder for a smooth finish. At this rate, Alfredo is happy since I pulled in three times my pay and I don’t even really know what I’m doing yet. Around 15 years ago, I knew a shoemaker in Caracas. He owned a four bedroom house behind the shop, full of pet monkeys and birds. He had managed to do something my illustrious and fully employed parents never could: he put all his kids through university, including the lovely Fiory. I once asked him how many days in his life he had no business. Zero.
           Now mind you, I have no plans of a career in shoemaking. It is only time before Chinese shoes on the market will attain a quality and price that makes replacement cheaper. The foreseeable future says there will still be a large market for European shoes, which represent almost all the business.
           Trivia of the day. The slang term in Spanish for the heel of a shoe is “taco”. How do you figure that? They don’t even taste the same.
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May 25, 2009

           Wallace found a new coffee place a few blocks south. They serve real coffee and have free WiFi, although that may be because they’ve hooked things up wrong. We were there for Memorial Day breakfast and to check the emails. Here is a unique outdoor table. The pedestal is a pair of slacks and shoes. You are looking for “Mimosa”, the Spanish word for “spoiled”. No, let me think, more like “picky”. That’s not quite it either. “Finicky”, that’s the word.
           Wallace again arrived during the monsoon season. Anything is better than twenty below, and remember, I spent a winter on the Canadian prairies back in university, so I know exactly what I’m talking about. A few years later I worked fourteen years for one of the top-rated Canadian telecom companies. I quit when I calculated I was not one penny ahead of the day I started. I had full choice between the two countries and I chose the USA hands down.
           I am no slouch when it comes to these matters. I can calculate the 30-year discount on a Series E Savings Bond. Can you? I did everything by the rulebook, investing 20% of my take home pay, topping up my pension plan, investing in blue chips, about the only thing I did not do was fall into the trap of buying residential real estate. Home mortgages are like bad religion.
           After Canadian taxes, inflation and conversion back to US dollars, I was working all day to pay the bills. What looked like $30.00 per hour on paper was $12.05 in real money. At least I realized it and got out early enough to start over. The typical Canadian I worked with did not, often working twenty-five or thirty years for a lousy $3,100 per month pension (the average union or government retirement amount in Canada). They cannot live on that. They are going to get older and sicker; the property taxes alone will take food off the table. They won’t even get old age security as Ottawa will rate them as high-income. Mark my words.
           Another Canadian myth is that after retirement, you can triple your income by contracting back as a consultant. Ha! Unless in the top 5% of management that made real decisions by the time you were thirty, time to rethink your strategy. If you are over 45 right now, as an experiment try applying for a job. Any job at all, you smart ass. All quality has been exported and what remains is so watered-down nobody wants overpaid “experts” any more, particularly not rusty old coots with smug attitudes. Unless you speak Chinese (like I do), the people at your gold watch ceremony are secretly glad you are finally on your way out the damn door to make room for new blood.
           While the life expectancy in Canada is 72 years, that does not apply to people who worked all their lives. Their widows maybe, but the workers themselves generally die off within eight months of the last paycheck. This fact is so rarely discussed on CBC (Canadian national television), I suspect it is censored. Where are these droves of contented retired union workers relaxing in the sunshine? Probably in Mexico where the famous “free Canadian medical” doesn’t pay, but at least the kids can’t move back home. No idiotic anchor baby clauses in the Mexican immigration laws.
           I’ll repeat myself to say that it will be another year or two yet, but the wisdom of this hideaway in Florida will be obvious to all. Meanwhile cheer up, the middle-age “good citizen” ax has not fallen yet, and probably won’t for another 18 months. How about some trivia? What is “sweet-hearting”? It is a problem experienced by stores with check-out scanners. The clerk “sweet-hearts” a favorite customer. This is done in a variety of ways, the most usual are
                     - running an item past the scanner too fast to read
                     - stacking an expensive item over a cheap item during scan
                     - keying in the wrong quantity of identical items
           And you thought only management could steal money. Anyway, expect to see advanced smart security cams shortly. These cameras can spot suspicious activity, including too much perspiration on a forehead.

          Author's note 2015-05-25: Sure enough, there is an article in this dates ID magazine that pinpoints the mood a person is in by the distribution of body head. Detected by infrared scanners, the system has already revealed race does not matter to the effect of emotions and pain.

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May 24, 2009

           Wallace is officially in this time zone. As you see, our orange juice does not come from a factory. It takes four Florida oranges to make a glass of the real thing. By 8:30 AM he was away to make all his contacts anew over at the Panera. So that you know, you will gain weight with my cooking. Rain or no rain, today is dedicated to finding out the problem with that Taurus. I couldn’t play last weekend for lack of the car. I can go a week without wheels, but not without playing on stage. I just heard the crack of thunder.
           For a change the rain was not that bad and I believe we got the car fixed for less than $5. The chugging sound was a hole in the muffler and the heat problem was a leaky hose. The head gasket is fine thanks to that goop you add to the radiator. Now the battery is charged up and I have an excuse to test drive up to Jimbo’s to return the charger to Lee-Ann.
           The new guy, Dan-O, is a super mechanic. But don’t watch over his shoulder, he’s the type that works alone. When he was able to jury-rig a line with two different size ends out of spare pieces of rubber hose, you know he can be trusted. Start to finish was around 45 minutes, not including a break while I biked to AutoZone for small parts.
           Millie and Pudding-Tat have squared off again as to whose turf is where. Unlike last year, Wallace leaves the dog to run loose in the yard, which is a good sign. He also worked out on the patio raking leaves and such. That suits me fine, you know how I just love yard work. On weekends. The sweet smelling flowers are in bloom, or possibly double bloom since Wallace trimmed the undergrowth and I sprinkled a light fertilizer on the dirt late last year. The flowers came back twice the size and the perfume will knock you flat. It’s a sweet smell like lavender. Well, we always wanted the best yard in the block.
           The facts are in, and I advise everyone not to buy a Nokia phone unless they put it in writing that the “silent” ring mode can be permanently disabled. This is a defect in the phone design that cannot be corrected. In fact, Nokia will not even admit it is a defect and insinuates the problem is your hearing. It is a software problem, and I will see if I can solve it without Nokia. But what a pity to have to resort to such a level to deal with a once reputable organization. The most they will do is advise you to send the phone to a service center. No, you first ship me out a phone that works, Nokia, because that is what I paid for.
           That should also clue in the reasons I have not been answering my phone calls. Apologies to the privileged few who have my phone number, but I have been jacked around by the system again. To quote an old ad campaign, I make mistakes too—but I don’t sell them to you.
           Trivia for today: cowboys were originally called cow hunters. Their job was to herd cattle. So what does a wrangler do? A wrangler is the one to “tends” the horses that the cowboys ride. Here’s your horse, Roy, all tended up. (The analogy is if cowboys rode dirt bikes, the wrangler would be the mechanic.) I suspect in practice the overall duties overlap enough that an outsider wouldn’t see much difference.
           For some reason, the photographer cannot send me photos. My server rejects his attachments. I suspect something at his end. I cannot yet pronounce his name (Degbert?). Others send me photos all the time. I don’t know what gives, but without photographs to support a theme, I was only able to come up with 925 words in four hours. Very effective words, mind you.

May 23, 2009

           Look at the wonderful rainstorm Wallace got as a welcome back present to Florida. Millie, the “lab” dog, was on the same flight and seems to remember this place fondly. We had to bribe Carlos across the way for a lift to the airport, but in the process met Dan-O, an electro-mechanical engineer who will be taking a look at the Taurus tomorrow.
          My phone never rings on Saturday afternoon. Marion (my best friend) called unexpectedly. You can only guess how long we’ve been friends, and those of you who know will vouch that we do manufacture tales. Here are the facts. Her son arrived in Colorado to celebrate his upcoming 19th birthday, and discovered the legal age to gamble was 18. He blew 45 dollars on lottery tickets, at which point Marion dragged him aside and delivered a stern lecture on the evils of gaming.
          One of the tickets was Florida Monopoly, and the kid won $100,000. There was nothing by way of advice I could add to what she said to him, but what are the odds he’ll never listen to her again? My stance is to have him voluntarily give up a portion of the money, and watch him blow the rest. He will have learnt the lesson and still have a nest egg. Why not? Most of us went through the same process without the hundred grand to practice on.
          Wallace is back where he belongs and I don’t mind pointing out that he is again recognizing the benefits of this place over Canada, where only the rich can afford to obey all the rules. I know the system because I worked there when I say Canada is paradise if you are “lucky” enough to be crazy, sick, pregnant, ethnic, crippled or just plain queer. Test if you are Canadian: You live in a half million dollar house but you are a half million in debt. You know who you are. Secondary test: You think debt consolidation works.
          Back to the Taurus, we still cannot figure out what is wrong. Recent inspection shows it may not be the head gasket. It was wild getting to the airport in Carlo’s old van. We had to top up the power steering. In another brilliant Florida engineering feat, the airport has hung a plastic pipe over the parking lot entrance to bump into the roof of vehicles which are too tall to enter. The problem is, they have located the pipe past the point of no return. Within seconds there are twenty cars behind you leaning on the horn.
          I suggested we let half the air out of the tires but then figured the pipe probably was an inch lower than true. Sure enough, we eased through with a sixteenth of an inch to spare. Let’s hear it for the Ft. Lauderdale airport, Hip Hip – Hooray, you stilted pack of inbred morans. [Author’s note: I am the party who legitimatized the spelling “moran” after a popular photo circulating the Internet. I am the chief of the Grammar Police and I am the one who started the spelling wars on Craigslist, way back when you never even heard of it.]
          We have a bite on the spare room. A lady from Jacksonville called and answered all my questions correctly. For anyone else even looking for a room in Florida, be wary of anything less than $600 per month. There is something wrong with it, guaranteed. I once lived in a room that the landlady turned off the A/C on weekends. A friend of mine found himself in a house full of screaming single-parent kids. People will rent out a garage with no windows as a room. A room is not a large closet with a curtain. Be careful in these parts.
          Wallace got in, remarked that he had forgotten how peaceful and quiet this place is, and zonked out for eleven hours.

May 22, 2009

           Florida signs of occupancy. The fan and can in the window. The signs vary by region. In my neighborhood, look for brand new vehicles with Quebec license plates. West of Dixie, watch for abandoned sofas in the front yard. I biked all the way to Dania Beach at 7:30 AM, which took me right past ye olde Teresa’s place. When she finally makes up her mind to return for a visit, she’ll be sad she didn’t leave me her sectional sofa.
           After delving into the logistics of operating a ranch in Florida, I’m closer to understanding the problems of conservation. While ecology is a great idea, how does a cowboy ranch compete with an outfit using motorcycles and helicopters? Like with blueberries, I’m all for spending an extra dollar per pound for beef if it contributes to the environment. Prices are soaring and American beef is looking more like a luxury than a staple.
           Ask me about Florida cattle ranching. They've been doing it here since 1521, that's a century before the Pilgrims showed up and discovered popcorn. Nearly half of Florida agricultural land is cattle ranching, although much of it is "managed", meaning the native grass has been replaced with species of higher "forage value". It is nonetheless grass, so fertilizer use is minimal. That makes these ranches the largest tracts of pristine nature that remain. The Adams Ranch, for example, is 60,000 acres.
           Almost half of the biggest beef producers in America are in Florida. If you want to be a cowboy, your chances are better here than in Texas. Scrub land supports as little as 10 cows per acre, while an improved Florida acre can handle over 300 head. Unlike the huge western spreads leased from the government, Florida ranches are privately owned. That means no cattle roundups or drives, just the hard work of herding, tagging, and last but not least, castrating. Don't worry about the branding, the cows now have RFID chips. You still want to be a cowboy?
           Brazil, the fourth largest beef exporter, is expanding production as rapidly as possible. Around a quarter of the greenhouse gases pumped into the atmosphere comes from burning the Amazon jungle to clear the land. The Brazilians see this as no different than the Americans plowing up the prairie and insist it is their business what happens to their rainforest.
           I borrowed a battery charger and got the Taurus running. It overheats in a matter of minutes, so I have no way of getting Wallace from the airport. He's on the plane already. I have not rode in a taxi in years.

May 21, 2009

           My Spanish is too rusty to follow what was happening this morning at the shoe shop. Here is a brand new Nike athletic shoe, expensive I presume. Alfredo cut off the sole and began adding the foam rubber plate you see here. He explained it five different ways, so I’ll let you think about it, see if you solve the riddle.

           [Author's note 2014-05-21: that paragraph is a little hard to follow. What happened is a customer brought in a brand new pair of expensive sneakers for a new sole. I'm asking if anyone can figure why that would happen. It must be clear I was dog tired at time of writing. And the answer to the shoe riddle is below.]

           While researching Javascript I saw the featured story on Wiki was Operation Uranus. This was the Soviet (not Russian) code name for the defeat of the German Sixth Army under Field Marshal Paulus by Marshal Zuhkov in the winter of 1943-43. I must compliment the work because Wiki has a reputation for presenting slanted articles. Not this time. I had to read it twice as it was one of the most outstandingly accurate versions of the greater facts I have seen. And I know Stalingrad.
           The first thing to check for an inaccurate account is whether Paulus is referred to as “von Paulus”. He is not descended from royalty, rather, the “von” was tacked on by his troops as a slanderous referral to his habit of wearing sharply-tailored uniforms. His superiors rated him at war games as “this officer lacks decisiveness”. In a related moment, I added up the total number of tanks produced for World War II. Around 287,015 not including Japan. While Japan did product tanks, they were wind-up toys and the real deserver of the term “Zero”.
           Blog rules say the most interesting thing today was almost wrecking a $200 pair of lady’s dance shoes. Damn that grinder can move fast when it wants to. I’m far enough into the job to start making bigger mistakes, look out Peter Griffin. If this works out, it could be pretty lucrative and keep the ship of state afloat until better days. So many people I know were sure they had it made, trading their houses up time after time. They are losing out in the end. Not one of them had the luck to sell out at the tip of the market. Then again, would they consider becoming shoemakers?
           The library is still open, a good sign. Recently I’ve heard a rumor that some blogs are offering shopping carts, or at least shopping cart links. I’ve been an advocate of this for years because blogs are cheaper and easier than web pages. I’ve seen commercialized blogs, but they are heavily dependent on links to PayPal and regular pages. I want a blog that behaves like a catalog with easy methods to add new products. It’s out there, but I could not find it today for the library selection on the subject is limited.
           Instead what I found was references to the ten top-rated blogs. Rated by whom? Six of the ten are “housewife blogs”. Recipes, household hints, soccer mom complaints. They all say much the same thing. I don’t get it. Real housewives would not have the time for blogs, so my theory is they are getting their kids to write the content. It’s either that or these housewives are so incredibly shallow it defies description. We know that is not the case. Not if you want supper tonight.
           In the email today was an outline from that photographer who wants a 2,000 word article written on horse ranching in Florida. He has a steady European market and seems to know exactly what they want. This is non-fiction, so tomorrow and Sunday, I’ll delve into the history of the matter. In particular, he wants to feature a real 21 year old cowgirl who is concerned how progress will change her lifestyle. This type of writing is one tough market, but three articles a year make you a killing.
           The shoe. Have you figured it out? What threw me is I assumed the person wearing such costly sports gear would be a certain stereotype. Wrong. The simple answer is that the athlete in focus has one leg 7/16ths of an inch shorter than the other and has Alfredo modify all his shoes. Try saying that in Spanish first thing in the morning.

           Checking on the competition. I have a quote from one of the top ranking blogs mentioned above:

           "Unfortunately none of us had eaten a full meal yesterday, just snacks and handfuls of breakfast cereal, and I don't think there is a worse condition to find yourself in when confronted with aisles and aisles of pre-packaged food. Because oh my god I totally forgot about Hostess Zingers! Remember those things? Turns out you can buy them in packages of twelve! Also! Entenmann's Coffee Cake! And Soft Batch Cookies! Did you know that Bugles now come in six different flavors? INCLUDING NACHO CHEESE? Why did no one tell me about this two trimesters ago?"

           If that passage thrills you, go to www.dooce.com. My blog occasionally contains useful information, so I won't keep you.
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May 20, 2009

           No matter how clear the water runs or how hot the day, I’m not taking a sip from here. Every spare moment of today was wasted looking for a missing document required by my lawyer. Then I find out that like most Florida wooden buildings, this place has termites. Don’t worry, they don’t collapse the place like on the cartoons, but eventually it will be time to fumigate.
           We’re in the rainy season, which I suspect is caused by re-runs on television. My theory is that people with basic cable see them Ice Road Truckers and Ax Men only so many times before the heat and pressure triggers the condensation. Even I admit to feeling a little global warning each time they spot the Sasquatch. When you go hiking in the Rockies, nobody is going to believe that you forgot your camera, so clam up about what you see in them thar hills.
           Teresa called from Wilmieville. Maybe I was hasty in thinking the job prospects were better up there. It could be the area was generally more prosperous to begin with and that is what I saw. I was hoping she’d call because I saw signs of inhabitation at the condo. A fan and a can. In the north window, there is now a box fan and a coffee can. Take my word for it, because I forgot my camera.
           Alaine also called about helping at Quizno’s. I hate to turn it down because of the 50 mile round-trip. They really can’t find anybody and she asked if I would consider coming in once a month. If the Taurus gets repaired, that is the usual frequency I visit JP. I think no matter how hard it is to train somebody new, it is a better deal than I can promise right now,
           I’ve listed the spare room for rent for close to a month, but not one person who has responded actually showed up. Florida has a deserved reputation for people who don’t show at your expense. Renting out a room is not a straightforward task like it would be in other parts of the nation. The fact is, we need somebody in that room and it is a pity such a large, quiet area is sitting vacant. I’ll even throw in the fan and can.
           Since I’m sure you’ll ask, yes, I did make my first $10 as a shoemaker apprentice today. The money is in soles and heels. I might have balked at touching other people’s shoes, but now it is clear only the higher quality leather is worth repairing. Alfredo, the master, can multi-task up to nine pairs at once. One nice thing is the nature of the work means you make money when it is busy. With computers, you have to hang around the shop during the slow times. Alfredo has a good old calendar on the wall and schedules his work by day of the week.
           Maybe soon I’ll have some comments on the income potential. There is far too much large equipment needed to start up your own place. I once ran a stitching machine. The other stuff has to be learned. Grinders, trimmers, buffers, hammers, nailers. It is an outdated trade because soon it will be cheaper to buy a new pair from China. There is still a lot to be said about a good, broken-in pair of Oxfords. The first chore of any apprentice is to remove the old leather, and yes, there is a huge difference in quality.
           One nice thing about a shoemaker shop. You never need to clean up. Nobody will be able to find anything. Today I got two scrapes, one puncture and one elbow abrasion. Paying my dues. By 3:00 PM I was back over at the shop until 6:30 and for no good reason, I’m going in later tomorrow and scrambling all my passwords. It is just one of those things you do randomly to see if any of your customers complain.
           Any Alan Jackson fans out there? I’m learning a new set of his material. Wouldn’t know the guy if I passed him on the street, but according to the paper, Jimmy Buffet is still flying strong. Seems he was able to license the word “Margaritaville”. You’ll never hear of me because I don’t play under my own name, my handle is “Not Half Bad”. Although I’ve heard of another bass act, he was a sidewalk singer, no to be confused with my steady house gig which puts on a full show as a bass soloist week after week. A show I invented. I may not be recording star material, but nor is my fault I have more guts to try something new than 20,000,000 guitarists. Or is it, now?

May 19, 2009

           I was always curious how much billboards cost. It’s not one of those questions you could call up and get a straight answer. This particular sign is in the middle of nowhere, but it does face the Ft. Lauderdale airport. Today was quiet, but stick around, I did something new and unusual.
           What did I tell you about Win XP being with us for a while? That fiasco with Vista prompted MS to come out with System 7 which contains and “XP emulator”. This is not to say all your pirated software will run on it because you’ll need a valid copy of System 7. There’s no disguising MS is backpedaling again.
           There is also a long over-due change to the security settings in Windows. For years I’ve been advocating that nobody should be allowed to place anything on your computer without express permission. System 7 is finally taking up the concept. Up till how, all security tried to block bad code. Now, the plan is to only allow good code. Instead of continually updating ever-growing lists of viruses, the computer will only run a short list of pre-approved applications. That means a very short list that rarely changes.
           If you prefer practical matters, Arnel called back today and the mysterious printer problem has been solved. That does not change the fact that we have dubbed HP to stand for Haunted Printer. Read last Sunday for the details. We had a printer that seemed to know when we put card stock in the tray. In a sense, we had guessed the problem; it was Arnel who supplied the answer.
           We learned that there are two types of business card stock. One for inkjet printers, the other for laser printers. I was aware that laser paper was designed not to curl when drawn over the heated drum. I did not know that laser paper also has an undetectable but different surface texture. It is smoother, causing the rollers on the printer to skid, which draws the paper into the machine unevenly. I personally consider it despicable that Hewlett-Packard would even build rollers susceptible to such faults, so they are now the Haunted Printer company.
           Who remembers Fiory, the gal I met in Caracas back in 1994? Her father was a shoemaker. I was fascinated by how he successfully put his kids through university by running that little shop in Acacias, just off Sabana Grande. Now fast forward to Hollywood, a year ago, when I mentioned the shoemaker beside the old Megabite Café had disappeared. He is now over on Tyler street, and I dropped in to see his operation. Remember, in my books, anyone who has their own shop is far higher esteemed than all but the highest paid employees.
           I put heels on a pair of ladies shoes, and new soles on a pair of men’s leather. You work with glue, tacks and buffing machines, but there are lots of worse jobs out there these days. Alfredo, the owner, let me grind and cut pieces, as well as take worn parts off leather shoes and shape new parts. This is no career but I am going back tomorrow to help out again. As far as puttering around work goes, this was not bad at all. I hardly seems like work. For that reason alone, I will give it some deep thought. It is not work for clean freaks. Talk about right out of the blue.
           And what new and exciting things did the rest of the world accomplish today? Hello? Anybody home?

May 18, 2009

           They say sporty cars are marketed by an appeal to individuality. In that case, here are three identical individuals, as it were. Nor should it surprise anyone that in this part of the world that most individuals are clones. Cars are sold on credit and credit is known to keep those who use it on an even keel. I have no idea what this model of car is. I’m just not unique enough to appreciate them, I guess. But you gotta love the “what crisis” mentality of anyone who would buy a convertible in Florida.
           My car is parked on the side street and Cowboy Mike gave me a lift up to north Ft. Lauderdale. I bicycled back down Andrews and was going to take the long way home via the beach. It was a perfect day and I stopped for a cafe con leche near Sunrise. At this point Arnel called, so I took the Airport road. Total bicycle mileage today, around twenty miles, more than I rode in Seattle in that many years.
           Sometimes a printer will just not behave. Arnel has one, a Hewlett-Packard. HP is the company that has some 1,400 different printers in production using around 600 different print cartridges, all of which do the same thing. Try as we might to print up business cards, it will not properly feed the stock. For reasons unknown it works properly with ordinary paper (18 lb.) but would not line up with the perforated card sheets (22 lb.). I am very intolerant of printer quirks. My take on it is they have had forty years to iron out the problems, so those that remain must be intentional.
           A computer milestone for me. Monday is backup copy day and I finally have now filled up an entire CD with text from this blog. Do they give awards for this? For clarity, this is a different proposition than filling a CD with music or photos. That makes 700+ MB of text only. This was never my goal since optical disks and blogs were not invented when I started, and my motive was to record the unusual. This is where I get to remind everyone (again) that less than 5% of my material is on computer. Like Fred Astaire stated (when it was suggested he was “sending messages” with his feet), “All I ever wanted was to not come up empty.”
           Alaine called and they need my help in Miami on early Sundays. I had to decline the offer, it is just too distant to commute (23 miles through the city). A late Saturday gig would make me unreliable but at the same time I know how hard it is for them to find somebody who can do that job right. Alaine attended the wedding without me and I truly regret having to miss that one. My decision on the car, since I can get it to run, is to now drive it until it craters completely and then sell it for $50. That car has been a gem with 162,000 hard city miles. The car that toothpicks bought.
           Cowboy Mike and I talked about the economy. I know computers and he does not, yet we both find the going a little rough. This is not to be confused with the straights of people who are unemployed. Mike put it right, either of us could do better than what jobs are available by just setting up a booth at the local flea market. What we lament most is the lack of traditional job prospects out there. It used to be a standing joke that if one got desperate, you could always go get a job in construction. The last such job I had, before I started with the phone company, paid over twice what it does today.
           And I had a reliable car.

May 17, 2009

           Who has seen that photo on the Internet of a black dude with his cell phone tied with a strap around his head? It is meant to be derogatory, a poor man’s Bluetooth. Guess what? I think I can explain what’s going on. I had to resort to the same tactic thanks to my Nokia 1606 cell phone. Nokia wants me to send the phone to a repair shop. And what meanwhile? Use semaphore?
           You have to set the phone on vibrate and wedge it against your skull. I’ve missed dozens of calls because it cannot be make to ring loud enough. Missed calls from my doctor, Alaine’s wedding gig, and early this morning, a return call from my tow-truck driver. Up yours, Nokia and MetroPCS. This phone should carry a warning sticker.
           The good news is the car is back here. I have several options, including a semi-reliable guy who wants to do the work for a hundred bucks. By coincidence, I’ve been out of work four and a half years less a week. That’s my choice, I am practicing retirement, for I know I will not be a millionaire in this lifetime. Be aware that I know the same thing about you. But I have experience and I know that Social Security will be gone long before I turn 65. I am undergoing a crisis that would be devastating to a real retired person, yet I’m not really even that worried.
           Hey, the car was ailing and there never is a convenient time for it to crater. I’ve looked at that motor and wondered how difficult it could be to replace a head gasket. I know the major cost is labor and I have a plentiful supply of that. If I want to get real stingy, all I really need is for somebody to put the motor back together. There’s probably a blues tune or a violin solo for this situation.
           I called around and took the first tow company that spoke no English. Jorge’s Towing, he is a 63 year old Cuban who lost his house and business to the commies. He absolutely hates illegal immigrants. He worked for Pep Boys for nine years until they stressed him out. Now he’s his own boss. The ride gave us a chance to agree on many things. It turns out he is quite well equipped with satellite Internet and GPS, but the interesting part is people often sell him cars for a few hundred dollars. The point is, these cars run and he checks them on Carfax.
           What I have is seven mostly empty parking spaces in a good location right near downtown. Are you thinking what we’re thinking? Under Florida law, I believe you can sell up to three cars per year before having to get a license. Meanwhile, the Taurus is here and I got it running. The noise under the hood does not appear until the motor gets hot, meaning I can probably use the car to chase around for parts. El Mago is just too far away on this one.
           I called Bill & Dick’s but their number is out of service. I know they are open, so this tells me they disconnected from BellSouth. Everybody’s doing it. I’ve noticed that the Yellow Pages now come out only once every few years. The way businesses are folding left and right, that’s probably not too bright an idea.
           Time to take it easy, I’ve put on the tea and made ice cubes. Cowboy Mike is going to drive me up to Ft. Lauderdale for my appointment tomorrow. The tow only cost me $80 and I’m learning Cheap Tricks “I Want You to Want Me”. Life is good again. Time for some trivia. They boil water to make steam and use the steam to drive a turbine. Wrong, it is not the steam that turns the blades. Water expands to something like 1400 times its volume as steam, and it is the pressure that does the work.

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May 16, 2009

           That’s the Taurus, stranded out on 82nd and 441 (a.k.a. Route or State Road 7, in keeping with the Florida pattern of giving every main artery several names). See the emergency bicycle leaning on the side. This time, it is something serious. As you read on, you will see I took this car on an unnecessary trip during the afternoon and I think the head gasket finally went when I tried to drive the 20 extra miles to Miami. Alaine and I were going to drive the Mercedez to the wedding. That is a real disappointment all around and I am now faced with towing the car. Can’t leave it in that neighborhood.
           I’m debating whether to tow it north or south, for it is halfway to El Mago del Ponche, the wizard mechanic shop that does all the work on my Cadillac. The point is, they need hard cash before they can to the repairs, one thing I am short of at this junction. Right now, I have no way to pick Wallace up at the airport on the 23rd. It seems the best flight he could get has to lengthy stops.
           There’s not a person who’s ever dealt with me that wouldn’t tell you how difficult it is to waste my time. A true talent is required to send me on a wild goose chase. In my books, stupidity is just inconsideration taken to one extreme. A lady got me for two hours today. Here’s the tale, but it seems to me that those who are really stupid should avoid contact with normal people most of the time.
           The Internet says free sofa, and the picture looks good. So I phone and a lady answers. Yes, it is still there, come and get it. Ma’am, would you be kind enough to call me back if anyone arrives before I get there? Because, ma’am, I have to go hook up my trailer, you are 22 miles from here, and I can’t get there before one hour. The way she kept saying “Un-huh” tipped me off this broad was too stupid to follow what I was saying. I took a chance and lost.
           The sofa was gone. Sure enough, it was the one trashy house in an otherwise fine neighborhood. Two cars on blocks in the front yard. 8271 NW 9th Street, North Lauderdale. The neighbor would not talk to me until I assured him I didn’t know the occupants. He informed me the sofa was picked up “almost an hour ago”. I didn’t call back and tell her off. Like puppies, stupid people must be punished instantly or they cannot make the connection.
           This begs the question, how is a stupid person supposed to know they are stupid?* My old roomie, Ken, provides a clue. He was constantly asking for help and money. Then he would complain that everyone he knew had “a negative” attitude”. How so, Ken? Because all they ever said when he talked to them was, “No.” Ken was a frozen meat salesman. That is the same Ken who could not promise me one hour per week when he would arrange to leave the phone alone so I could get an incoming long distance from Caracas. Sure enough, when I finally insisted on 5:30 AM on Sundays, the phone would start ringing for him at 5:29 AM. Doy!
           Yep, that's the same stupid Ken Sanchuk of meat-boy fame. The one who got his ass taken to court over a laser printer he decided to no pay for because he could not figure out how to use it

           Arnel is taking some time off from playing the beach, well, at least from Toucan's. I don’t need convincing when it comes to a single act at the same location. The charm wears off, along with the contents of the tip jar. He was home tonight and was able to look up El Mago Del Ponche, literally “The Magician of Flat Tires”. Before you call brush up on your Spanish quite a bit, the number is 305-262-9939. You must pay for the parts up front, but there is a supplier just a block away.

           Author's note 2015-05-16: I was, at this point, unaware of the Dunning-Kruger study. I had developed, as indicated here, my own and completely independent concept that it was possible for a person to be so stupid he did not know he was stupid. However, all credit for the discovery must, par usual, go to the well-funded university team who first got the money to publish it.

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May 15, 2009

           Camcorders are back in focus, pun intended. A few products are meeting the criteria I established in 2004, and for camcorders this includes full digital (no tapes or discs), minimum one hour on a battery, full HD (high definition) and less than $200. When a product meets my “userability” standards, I give it everything except the drop test. Remember, this is how you got pictures in this blog in recent years—the famous Argus digital still camera. So a simple product review can bring about a significant change right here.
           I employ many non-standard rankings to each new gadget but these include items like, “would I feel comfortable leaving this on the table while I went up for a refill” and “what is the delay bringing this into action”. All I’m saying is some camcorders are getting close, like the Creative Vado. Blogspot gets a D minus from me for ease of uploading video but you may see something like that here shortly. And Blogspot gets an F for their geek squad on-line directions.
           Ask me anything about server-side Javascript now. I read until 3:00 AM and made a few discoveries, which of course I will share with you. Javascript could have been the wonder-language if only the creators had been slightly far-sighted. There is a “visual” version available from Netscape, where you drag and drop what you want, letting the computer supply the code. From here on in, the difficulty will be figuring out the ways to get the components to work together. One of the most frustrating aspects of computer languages is that they only tell you about themselves, never how to get it to work. It is like going on a blind date without knowing why she’s desperate enough to do that.
           For example, I once had a $60 PHP manual that said the software had to be “installed in the correct directory”. That’s it. In a year, nobody could find out what that directory was and PHP help desk insisted it was a Windows problem. The current Javascript manuals I have keep saying to “create a virtual path”, but never explain how that is done. No help at all, no directions. If any aspiring authors want a market niche, it is in booklets that explain how the components of software work together, the mechanical part of computers. For instance, the problem I’m chasing down today is that my various Javascripts won’t pass variables unless they are in the same location. Not a word in all three books, yet it is the single most important element that makes the entire system work.
           Here’s a feature called “geotag” built into some digital cameras and phones. It uses GPS to embed location data in every picture you take. The idea is that when you download the files to your computer, a map will appear with a pin showing where you took each photo. If you can do it, so can they, so the searching question is how long before this becomes compulsory?
           Here’s another, I tried it and it works. Suppose your TV remote will not work. Is it the batteries? Test it like this. Get your digital camera and hold the remote so it shines into the lens and press a few channel buttons. The camera LCD screen can see infrared light. If your remote is working, you’ll see bright white dots on the screen. Many thanks to Dave Johnson (PC World) for that one. That’s your remote control, reader, not your laser pointer.
           I may be attending a wedding tomorrow, so drop back for details on Sunday. It is a situation where my best friend’s sister’s husband doesn’t want to go and she won’t miss it for the world. This gives me the impression everybody I know is getting married for the third time around. I meant people who have already been married. I might, ladies, point out that with one exception, none of the guys I grew up with ever got married. (Hey, Mitch, the exception is your brother.) Line forms to the left.
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May 14, 2009

           I was initially going to lose this photo because of the distortion as I sped past on my bicycle. Suddenly I felt it captured something of the feelings I have toward the building. This is the edifice built on expropriated land, or at least connected with the eminent domain scandal on the northwest quadrant of Young Circle. Details are scant. I keep a quiet eye on the occupancy rates and this place is another instant tenement. What you call condo canyon, I call coffins in the sky.
           Another full day studying nothing but ASP (Active Server Pages). It is outdated technology, having the advantages that I know it works and that it is unlikely to change. There is a lot to be said for sticking with the minimum that will do your work. One thing that still concerns me is whether I’ll live long enough ever pull this off by myself. IA person could specialize in any one of the phases needed to fire this thing up. I’ve found that a lot of people are not sure what a browser and a server are.
           In a nutshell, a very small nutshell, like maybe a pistachio, a server and browser are what enables your computer use the Internet. The server can be a fancy computer, or just an ordinary computer, but it has special software that allows it to connect to the Internet (it can’t do much else). When you go on the Internet, you are really just connecting to one of these server computers. If you have Hi-speed (Cable company) or DSL (Phone company), you are connecting to one of their servers.
           Why not buy your own server and quit paying the utility companies? Two reasons. First, these servers are difficult to maintain 24 hours a day. Server companies are typically triple-redundant, that is, they have three servers at each site. One operational unit, a second ready to kick in if it crashes, and a third server undergoing upgrading and repair. Only then can they guaranty 99.5% “uptime”, the standard that customers expect.
           Second, these utility companies own the wiring that connects your house to their office where the server is located. Too many people don’t think about that fact. The utilities own the server and they own the “last mile” wiring. In some way, you have to pay for both. The server office has millions of dollars worth of circuitry to connect to the Internet “backbone”. I’ve heard of rich people having a special line to the backbone from their houses (this line is called a “span”) but mere mortals can’t afford that.
           I didn’t forget the browser. A browser is a very small program that resides on your computer. All it does is interpret the signal you get from the Internet server. Never confuse your browser with the “browse” button you sometimes see when saving a file, they are two completely different animals. Even more confusing, most browsers never call themselves a browser, and the top three browsers are Opera, Internet Explorer, and Firefox (which used to be Netscape Navigator).
           Since we are enjoying this so much, let’s delve a little further. Nothing you see on your browser is really on your computer. All of it comes from the Internet server except a few error messages. So your browser handles the back-and-forth with the server. But it is not 50/50. No sirree, the vast majority of the signal is from the server to your browser. Think about it. You click one button and billions of bytes of information and advertising come flying back at you. Let’s go further.
           The day is nearing when everything on your computer will come from an Internet server. Right now, if you use Excel or Quickbooks, these type of programs are installed on your local computer. In the future, instead of buying software, you will pay a usage fee and use these same programs on the server. When configured to work this way, the programs are said to be “web-based”. You already use a web-based program. Your e-mail. The e-mail is never on your computer. It is on a server that you log on to with your account name and your password using your browser. This explains that little message you sometimes see saying “you have 5 GB of storage left” on the server. See how much you know already?
           So what happened to Netscape Navigator? MS drove them out of business. Netscape was a big company in the early 1990s, but MS was even bigger. While Netscape had to charge business users (I think it was $250 a copy) for their browser, MS came out with Win 95 which included a “free” browser included, called “Internet Explorer”. Dumping is illegal, that is, giving away something at less than cost to force the competition under. MS’s defense was nobody knew what Explorer cost because it was part of a bundle. Netscape sued, but by the time the case was settled and MS said “Oops, sorry!” Netscape was nearly bankrupt.
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May 13, 2009

           Here's a wooden frying pan. Who remembers alumina anemia, the anti-gravity frying pan? (As the pan ages, it gets lighter and tips back on the handle when empty.) I have received plenty of input from housewives who know exactly what I’m talking about, so there. Several have informed me of their solution, which is to prop the frying pan handle up with a salt shaker. Careful, I am told, to “place the shaker at the terminus of the handle, not ‘neath the fulcrum or crotch, but so as to form a third class lever”. Yeah, well if she’s that smart how come she’s a housewife? Don’t go there.
           My recent mention of non-Internet home business ideas also generated a lot of email. This is my reply to all: go to your library and get a book on the subject, it will tell you everything I can and more. I am not suggesting anyone resort to cutting up their old clothes to sell as potholders, shine shoes, or sell homemade fudge door-to-door. But I am saying if you wind up that way it is your own fault and not anybody else’s. I didn’t see you next to me in evening school while times were good.

           But I’ll tell you how I once made $310 in one day. A friend of mine had a table at the flea market. So I painted up a bunch of chipped up old bricks with yellow paint and sold them as “Fort Knox Rejects”, a novelty door stop. Did I ever tell you how I once had a real 400 oz. silver brick as a doorstop? That was at the same college house where if I wanted to put money for safekeeping, I just hid it in a dictionary.
           I re-read my post for May 16, 2006. The trivia that day was about pseudonyms. Do you know there is a lobby for outlawing writing aliases? That is correct, there is a concerted movement in Washington to prevent people from publishing books under anything except their own legal name. Credit collection agencies are behind it. What does that tell you? Remind me to investigate how far they’ve gotten. What I have against such laws is understandable: The innocent would suffer as much as the guilty.

           We’ve got a typical situation at the shop. Guy walks in, buys a computer. He is informed it is used, no return policy, sold as is only. Takes it home and sure enough, some kid tells him it is an “old” computer and not “fast” enough. Like, what computer is ever fast enough for a brat? The customer does not know how to operate the computer and thinks we are obligated to teach him how. When informed that was not possible, he invents problems thinking he’ll learn how to use the computer by watching us check for what is wrong.
           Flashback to Jeanie, the lady guitarist singer that came over for a practice a few years ago? Who should I run into on the way home last evening? This is the lady who sang at the chocolate place on Hollywood, the lady who likes dreadfully slow ballads. She is now, what’s the word, super-sized? One thing for sure, she seems to have learned a lot about the difficulty of keeping a band together. We had chat and she wrote out her song list. I’d like to look up what I had to say the other time we met, but my records of those days were the old TMOS format (each entry spans a week, making searches tedious). A search finds only the file, not the keyword, way to go MS.

           Jeanie was last around this time 2006. We got along well enough, but she still wants to form a quartet, something I won’t do unless there is at least some chance of steady money for the effort involved. She knows all the garage bands in town. She is still uncomfortable with the fact that talent by itself is not enough. I’ll give her a call later and see if she is more amenable to reality these days. We would make a deadly country duo. Now that she is shaped more like Dolly Parton. BWAAA-ha-ha-ha.
           I had been checking, by invitation (Alex), the Wednesday night venues downtown. I need a 30% ratio of women for my act to deliver the wow. That is rare in Florida. Thus, I met Jeanie by fluke. I normally don’t go in to the Octopus because the place gives me “the drunken sneezes”. I get them without the benefit a drink so I only walked in because there was a live band. Frankly, I didn’t even recognize her until she clued me up and I still had to look twice.

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